“Allison, I need to see you–somewhere discreet if possible.”

I read the text again to see if it made sense. Did Jim mean what I thought he meant? He had just returned home from a trip with the kids back East and had been sending me daily photos. I had begun to suspect he was interested in more than a friendship and this text confirmed it. Was I ready for the next step too?

During our six-month long friendship I had come to enjoy Jim’s company. He was an old-school gentleman, always opening doors for me or offering to drive. He was a foodie and enjoyed trying new things. Jim was a talker, but conscious of it and told me I could turn him off anytime. He was a caring dad, often checking up on his kids when we were out to make sure they were well. Jim was brave too—he loved open water swimming, sans wet suit, in the bay or ocean. All of those qualities made me feel ready for the next step.

Jim stopped by the night he sent that text and we shared our first kiss. It was August of 2023, about a year ago. It was a heady feeling to be in love again and it felt good to have someone take such a great interest in me, especially after experiencing loss and pain in my marriage. Jim felt equally effervescent, coming out of a place of losing his wife.

In general Jim and I were (and are) quite compatible. We had grown up in loving midde class church-going families. We had both attended college and graduate school. We liked the New Yorker, podcasts, cooking hacks, and eating out. We loved soft-serve ice cream.

The one exception to our compatibility was faith. I was an active, believing Christian. Jim had grown up Episcopalian but had doubts about whether God was real. One day as we were taking a drive in the Oakland hills, Jim asked if it would bother me that he didn’t attend church. I said yes, it would be a little hard.

Jim and I talked more about religion on subsequent dates. He said he’d be open to attending All Souls Episcopal church in Berkeley. Growing up Episcopalian he would be comfortable there. It was where he had the memorial for his late wife Crissy and I was agreeable to visiting the church. In recent years I had actually considered leaving my evangelical church to attend the Episcopal church, mostly due to their affirmation of LGBTQ folks.

We went to All Souls a couple of times. The liturgy and music were beautiful and the sermon was good. I asked Jim if he might consider attending my evangelical church just once for comparison. We went and Jim was surprised. He liked my church. We attended another time or two and he concluded that my church was better for him. In the ensuing months he had something of a spiritual awakening. He felt God close to him for the first time in his life. It was exciting.

Even more unexpected than Jim attending my church was his twins’ interest in attending too. They had never been to church before but God was at work, drawing them in. Max, Jim’s 14-year-old son, is now playing drums with the worship band. Even though there are few kids their age they have been coming consistently.

Jim and I do have differences of course, but they aren’t obstacles. Jim goes for a swim in the bay several times a week. He body surfs at Stinson Beach. I don’t do any of those things, nor do I have an interest in doing them. Conversely, I love speaking Spanish and traveling to Spanish-speaking countries. Until now, Jim had never considered doing those things. We’ve made a pact though. If I swim in the bay, Jim will go to Guatemala with me next summer. I get to wear a wet suit!

Back to that first kiss—not long after that we started to talk about how to make our relationship permanent. That was in August 2023. In October, Jim proposed. He jokes that he’s not a patient man. We had just been to church and it was a balmy Bay Area October day. We were walking around my yard and came inside because it was too hot. Then all of a sudden Jim got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him. He said I could think about it of course. I told him I didn’t need to think about it—the answer was yes!

We set the wedding date for June 2024 and secured a church and reception venue. We wrote our guest lists. I ordered a wedding dress. The plan was to get married, sell his house and have he and his 13-year-old twins move into my house. (He has an older son who is 21 and in graduate school.)

Our plan was met with stiff resistance. His kids said it was too soon. Their mom hadn’t even been gone a year and here Dad was planning a wedding. They especially didn’t like the idea of having to move. After much discussion, Jim and I decided to postpone the wedding for another year, to June 2025. I’m not sure the kids will like the idea more in a year but at least they’ll have time to prepare mentally. More recently we’ve decided to simplify the wedding to make it more low-key. We may get married and have the reception at home.

In the meantime, Jim and I have been able to spend a lot of time together. We traveled to the Midwest in July to see my uncle and cousins, my college friends, and my birth family. Just this past weekend we went to Utah to visit my brother and his kids and meet my grand niece. More and more if feels like Jim is becoming part of my family. I’ve also met his brother and sister-in-law and two nieces.

Now, many months after his proposal, I’m just as in love as I was then. I love Jim’s thoroughness in cleaning the kitchen after dinner. I love his acts of service for me around the house, fixing this and that. I love his taste in clothes and the fact that he has a personal relationship with his Italian tailor. I love how he treats the people at church and takes a genuine interest in them. I could go on…it’s hard to describe why you love someone. Some of it is their character; in other ways it’s an intangible force.

June 2025 seems like a long time away. Yet the time will go quickly. I am trying to enjoy my last months as a single woman. Soon this house will have three new occupants and I won’t have an empty nest anymore—for a few more years. I never anticipated that this would happen. I’m getting ready for this big change little by little. I will welcome Jim and his twins with open arms. The twins may not be too excited by the idea but it’s important that they see their father happy and in a good relationship. I hope they remember the three years they will spend with me in a good way. Mostly, I hope I can honor Crissy by treating her children and husband with love and respect. You never know what life will bring you.

Below is a photo of Crissy and me at her wedding to Jim (Miguel was 6 months old) and below that is Crissy and me in college.